Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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