I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize