I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
