So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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