Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Your face is a jimmy john
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize