yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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