I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She bit a glass in half.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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