is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
