if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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