Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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