I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Girls should come with a carfax report
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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