The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
