Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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