Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm at about main and main street
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
