So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
