The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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