Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize