he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
