I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
