I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
