Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
