I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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