I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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