I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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