We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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