your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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