You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
