Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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