I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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