Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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