I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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