I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize