Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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