I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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