I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
