grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My balls are so social today.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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