Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize