I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
