Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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