hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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