Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize