How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think your dad took our porno
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
