I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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