i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
