I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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