i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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