she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
