I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
