the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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