just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
