i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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