I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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