Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm always down for nudity.
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