At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
