Betty ford says i'm here all night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
