Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
